10 years after returning home, a man feels stuck in family business

A man in his 60s told The Irish Times that he has felt "very stuck and pessimistic" for a decade, trapped between his aging mother, his wife, and a family business that refuses to grow. He described his current situation as a "very squeezed place," noting that he should be slowing down in his sixties but instead faces mounting responsibilities. The correspondent, Trish Murphy, responded to his letter on November 4, outlining a path forward that involves difficult conversations and professional help.

The reader left Ireland for a career abroad where he had a clear pathway and future. That life ended when his father died of a heart attack after ten years. He returned home to manage the family business, expecting the stint to be short. It has not been. He married a local woman who he admits was not his first choice. Their relationship is strained; she frequently criticizes his lack of spontaneity and harbors a dislike for his mother.

The pressure intensified recently as his mother fell ill. He had promised her years ago that he would not place her in a care home. She is now calling in that promise, demanding full-time care from him. His children are in college, moving toward postgraduate studies. He wants them to leave and start their own lives, yet he misses their energy. The business remains stable but offers little room for expansion.

Murphy suggested that the reader use this transition period to challenge his status quo. She recommended that he and his wife see a couple's therapist to "trash out" their relationship. She noted that drifting into a bland connection is just as risky as confronting the issues. She advised him to consider if he could take a break from the business or sell it if the timing is right.

She proposed that the reader explore the possibility of respite care for his mother. A public health nurse can help source these options. If his mother knows he needs a break, she may be open to this arrangement. The reader should also check if other family members can help support the business or his mother. If he agrees to a limited break, Murphy stressed that he must keep his word so his mother can trust him to return.

Murphy also asked the reader to address any lingering feelings from his past, particularly the notion that his wife was not his number one choice. She suggested that this comparison may have created misery in the marriage for years. She encouraged him to do "blue-sky thinking" now that his children are on their own paths. She listed the Irish Council for Psychotherapy, the Psychological Society of Ireland, and the Irish Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy as resources for finding accredited therapists.

The reader can send questions to Murphy via the website form or by emailing tellmeaboutit@irishtimes.com. The advice column runs regularly in The Irish Times. The letter and response appeared in the November 4 edition.